Stephen Sondheim Follow

JACK:
But it isn't my fault!
I was given those beans!
You persuaded me to trade away my cow for beans!
Just without those beans there'd have been no stalk
To get up to the giants in the first place!

BAKER:
Wait a minute, magic beans for a cow so old
That you had to tell a lie to sell it, which you told!
Were they worthless beans?
Were they oversold?
Oh, and tell us who persuaded you to steal that gold!

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
See it's your fault!

JACK:
No!

BAKER:
So it's your fault ...

JACK:
No!

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
Yes it is!

JACK:
It's not!

BAKER:
It's true.

JACK:
Wait a minute, though, I only stole the gold to get my cow back,
From you!

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
So it's your fault!

JACK:
Yes!

BAKER:
No, it isn't!
I'd have kept those beans, but our house was cursed.
She made us get a cow to get the curse reversed!

WITCH:
It's his father's fault that the curse got placed
And the place got cursed in the first place!

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
Oh. Then it's his fault!

WITCH:
So.

CINDERELLA:
It was his fault ...

JACK:
No!

BAKER:
Yes it is, it's his.

CINDERELLA:
I guess ...

JACK:
Wait a minute, though --
I chopped down the beanstalk, right?
That's clear.
But without any beanstalk, then what's queer
Is how did the second giant get down here
In the first place? Second place ...

CINDERELLA:
Yes!

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
How?

BAKER:
Hmm ...

JACK:
Well, who had the other bean?

BAKER:
The other bean?

CINDERELLA:
The other bean?

JACK (to Baker):
You pocketed the other bean.

BAKER:
I didn't! Yes I did.

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
So its your f--!

BAKER:
No, it isn't, 'cause I gave it to my wife.

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
So it's her f--!

BAKER:
No, it isn't!

CINDERELLA:
Then whose is it?

BAKER:
Wait a minute! She exchanged that bean to obtain your shoe,
So the one who knows what happened to the bean is you!

CINDERELLA:
You mean that old bean -- that your wife? Oh, dear --
But I never knew, and so I threw --
Well, don't look here!

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
So it's your fault!

CINDERELLA:
But --

JACK:
See, it's her fault --

CINDERELLA:
But --

JACK:
And it isn't mine at all!

BAKER:
But what?

CINDERELLA (To Jack):
Well if you hadn't gone back up again --

JACK:
We were needy --

CINDERELLA:
You were greedy! Did you need that hen?

JACK:
But I got it for my mother --!

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
So it's her fault then!

CINDERELLA:
Yes, and what about the harp in the third place?

BAKER:
The harp -- yes!

JACK (referring to L.R.R.):
She went and dared me to!

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
I dared you to?

JACK:
You dared me to! She said that I was scared to.
She dared me!

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
No, I didn't!

JACK, CINDERELLA, BAKER:
So it's your fault!

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
Wait a minute!

CINDERELLA:
If you hadn't dared him to --

BAKER:
-- And if you left the harp alone,
We wouldn't be in trouble in the first place!
LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD (overlapping):
Well, if you hadn't thrown away the bean in the first place--!

CINDERELLA (looking at Witch):
Well, if she hadn't raised them in the first place!

LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD:
It was your fault!

JACK:
Yes, if you hadnt raised them in the first place --!

CINDERELLA, LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD, BAKER:
Right! It's you who raised the beans in the first place--!

JACK:
It's your fault!

JACK, CINDERELLA, LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD, BAKER:
You're responsible!
You're the one to blame!
It's your fault!

WITCH:
It's the last midnight,
It's the last wish,
It's the last midnight,
Soon it will be Boom Squish!
Told a little lie,
Stole a little gold,
Broke a little vow,
Did you?
Had to get your prince,
Had to get your cow,
Had to get your wish,
Doesn't matter how --
Anyway, it doesn't matter now.
It's the last midnight,
It's the Boom Splat!
Nothing but a vast midnight,
Everybody smashed flat!
Nothing we can do ..
Not exactly true:
We can always give her the boy ..
No?
No, of course what really matters is the blame,
Someone you can blame,
Fine, if that's the thing you enjoy,
Placing the blame,
If that's the aim,
Give me the blame --
Just give me the boy.
(No!)
No ...
You're so nice,
You're not good, you're not bad,
You're just nice.
I'm not good, I'm not nice,
I'm just right.
I'm the Witch.
You're the world.
I'm the hitch,
I'm what no one believes,
I'm the Witch,
You're all liars and thieves,
Like his father,
Like his son will be too --
Oh why bother?
You'll just do what you do.
It's the last midnight,
So goodbye, all.
Coming at you fast, midnight --
Soon you'll see the sky fall.
Here, you want a bean?
Have another bean.
Beans were made for making you rich!
Plant them and they soar --
Here, you want some more?
Listen to the roar:
Giants by the score --!
Oh well, you can blame another witch.
It's the last midnight,
It's the last verse,
Now, before it's past midnight,
I'm leaving you my last curse:
I'm leaving you alone,
You can tend the garden, it's yours.
Sep'rate and alone,
Ev'rybody down on all fours.
All right, Mother, when?
Lost the beans again!
Punish me the way you did then!
Give me claws and a hunch,
Just away from this bunch
And the gloom
And the doom
And the Boom ---- Cruuuunch!