Stephen Sondheim Follow

Miscellaneous
Ernie Breaks The Cookie Jar
(Ernie walks in with a cooking pot and plops it on Bert's head)

Ernie: Here Bert, try this on!

Bert: Hey, hey, Ernie, what are you doing? Get that pot off my head! Why?

Ernie: Well haa, ya see Bert, a little while ago, I dropped and broke the cookie jar.

Bert: Oh, Ernie, you didn't!

Ernie: Mmm hmmm.

Bert: Oh well, all right, so you broke the cookie jar, but what's it gotta do with that pot there, huh?

Ernie: Well you see, I had to put the cookies somewhere...

Bert: Yeah?

Ernie: Bert, um... just a second. I... I... I'll show you, Bert.

Bert: (looks at camera) I don't understand.

Ernie: (brings in sugar bowl full of cookies) See, I broke the cookie jar and so I had to put the cookies in the sugar bowl, see? (takes a taste of one)

Bert: Well... yeah, Ernie, but ... but if you put the cookies in the sugar bowl, then where'd ya put the sugar?

Ernie: Well, I'll show you, Bert! (famous Ernie hmm) Hmm hmm hmm (leaves with bowl and Bert looks at camera)

Bert: Yeah, show me. (does the famous head tilt)

Ernie: Ok, well you see, I put the sugar in the flower pot here.

Bert: In the flower pot?! Oh great ... just great. Well WHERE'D you put the flower that was growing there, huh?

Ernie: Oh I'll show you, Bert! (takes away the pot)

Bert: Ya gonna show me again ... I don't get this.

Ernie: (brings in milk bottle and flower) Ya see, I had to plant this flower here into this milk bottle, see ... nicely planted, I watered it and everything.

Bert: (Looking very stunned) (Ernie looks straight into camera all proud, shaking his head about his nose) ERNIE!!!! (Shaking head)

Ernie: (Calmly) Hmm?

Bert: Well now WHERE is the milk?!

Ernie: Oh, I'll show you, Bert.

Bert: (Ernie leaves) Ya gonna show me where the milk is too. Oh Ernie, I... (looks at Ernie returning with a root beer bottle.. stunned)

Ernie: See I put the milk into the, uh, soda bottle.

Bert: (Gets close to Ernie in quiet voice gradually getting louder) Ernie... I'm trying to be patient, but WHERE is the soda??

Ernie: Oh just a second, Bert, I'll show you... (calmly as usual, Bert getting more stunned and irritated gives out his famous ... )

Bert: Aaaaaaahhhh!

Ernie: (Brings in the soda-filled fishbowl) It wasn't easy, but I put the soda in the (straining) mmm fishbowl.

Bert: In the fishbowl?! Ernie, this is CRAZY!! Now where are the fish?!?

Ernie: Oh... well, I'll show you, Bert. (even calmer than before)

Bert: (stares into camera as Ernie leaves for a few seconds and ...) Ooohhhh, Ernie, what are you doing now? (Mouth wider than ever in shock)

Ernie: Oh, I gotta carry it out here, Bert ... I put the fish in ... to ... the cowboy hat, ya see.

Bert: (looks down into hat as fish squirts water in B.'s face) Oh, no... Eeeyah! (wipes face and stands there with mouth firmly closed very angry)

Ernie: (points calmly at fish in hat) Take it easy there, fella.

Bert: (angrily) Ernie, Ernie, that is MY cowboy hat ...

Ernie: Yeah, so? (VERY calmly)

Bert: But ya, you but the fish in it, now what am I gonna do when I wanna play cowboy?

Ernie: Oh, umm, well (reaches for pot and puts it on Bert's head) Ride em cowboy, Bert! (pats Bert on back) (Ernie's patented laugh) Keheeheeheehee.

(End music begins with Bert standing there as usual, and Ernie leaving.)

Miscellaneous
Ernie Breaks The Cookie Jar