Loudon Wainwright III Follow

Lipitor tore up my tendon, that was no damn good
So now I’m taking Crestor, ‘cause the doctor said I should

I cut back on the Avodart, its every other night
Lorazepam is for the occasions when I’m wound too tight.

Sure Lexapro has cheered me up so much that I don’t cry
Or get it up so I might give some Wellbutrin a try.

Girl. I swore off Cialis, I’m no longer in the mood
Four hours at attention, man that could kill a dude.

They say Ambien’s OK, long as you don’t drive in your sleep
If you operate machinery pray the Lord your soul to keep.

Be aware that Vesicare can cut down on the trips
You make to tinkle in the night, plus subsequential drips.

Ear drops, eye drops, nose drops ‘cause dried up’s the shape I’m in
It’s like I need an oil can I’m like that man of tin

Ice packs and heat packs for my aching knees and back
And that little baby aspirin to ward off my heart attack

I went down to Chinatown, the herbalist was there
I got some tea that tasted like a trucker’s underwear

Those acupuncture needles, naw, they don’t hurt a bit
In point of fact those acupuncture needles don’t do shit

I could buy a Thai massage to get a few good hugs
Instead I head to the drugstore to cop my load of drugs

When I was a little kid I never popped no pills
Just a bandaid and mercurochrome could cure most of my ills

Klonopin’s a controlled substance so I bum ‘em from my wife
If the side effects don’t kill me all my meds might save my life

I quit drinkin’ smokin’ red meat dairy and caffeine
I’m not quite high on life just slightly dead know what I mean

I even asked the doctor “Doc how long can this go on?”
He said “Son you’re out to pasture, your next stop is Forest Lawn”

You’ll need something stronger than your Advil and /aleve
If you want to eat and sleep and piss and crap and shtup and breathe

If you want to eat and sleep and piss and crap and shtup and breathe!