Donald Swann & Michael Flanders Follow

FLANDERS:
Society frowns on blowing one's own trumpet...

SWANN makes sound of trumpet.

FLANDERS:
(spoken) Oh, for goodness' sake, would you believe it.
(sung) But we found a game that merits no rebuke.

SWANN:
If someone's got a tub, we're going to thump it.

FLANDERS:
It's more fun than playing polo with the Duke.

SWANN:
The object is to Gunga Din your neighbour.

TOGETHER:
"I'm a better man than you"'s the acid test.
So man the good ship one-up,
Let's do a social ton-up,
And bang our social symbols with the best!

FLANDERS:
Two, three, four

TOGETHER:
Playing on the status symbols, laying out the ready cash,
Bigger, better, newer, smarter, hear the status symbols clash.

SWANN:
My phone number's ex-directory, should you wish to make a call.

FLANDERS:
Mine is even more exclusive.

SWANN:
More exclusive?

FLANDERS:
I won't have a phone at all.
(spoken) You can always try cabling me - Mick Flan, England.

SWANN:
I have colour television, though it can't receive a thing.

FLANDERS:
I've a midget tape recorder, hidden in my signet ring.
(Hidden in my signet ring)
I've a laundress comes in daily, to my flat in Marble Arch.

SWANN:
All my laundry's flown to Cairo!

FLANDERS:
Flown to where?

SWANN:
Where they don't use so much starch!
I believe my butler's butler
Has appeared on Face to Face.

FLANDERS:
I lost both my Botticellis
When they robbed my country place.

SWANN:
I've been asked to sing at Salzburg
In next year's Fidelio!

FLANDERS:
I've been asked to screen Lord Denning:
For security, you know.
My car registration number's
'1111 V I P'.

SWANN:
All my garage doors fly open
When I murmur 'Sesame'.

FLANDERS:
My car horn goes Ah-E Ah-E,
Your car horn goes Ah-Ah-Ah.

SWANN:
I've just bought a Mini Super.

FLANDERS:
Bought a what?

SWANN:
A Mini Super.

FLANDERS:
Oh yes, I've got one in my boot.

TOGETHER:
Playing on the status symbols,
Laying out the ready cash.
Bigger, Better, Newer, Smarter,
Hear the status symbols clash.
Hell has just been taken over
By a friend of Charlie Clore's!
We've acquired a private furnace.
Bigger, Hotter, far than yours.